tall tales ~ issue 29
Andrew Huberman, my psychologist, and me
Hello my friends. I’ve just checked the time and it’s 11:11, which is an auspicious and witchy time to begin. Welcome to your July email. This month I spent a lot of time thinking about writing emails, but didn’t open a new Google doc until today. I want to be more frequent and regular with these emails but I also don’t want to be annoying. I want to rule Substack but I also do not wish to be perceived. This morning I read three Personal Essays from a woman with lots of subscribers and felt so far from home, but then I crawled back to Catherine Cohen’s Sexy Little Email Archive and remembered where I left my keys. I have Twitter (won’t ever call it X) solely to check on the girl who runs a fan account for an actress I love. I think the girl is seventeen and a half and her aura is so pure. I wish her nothing but good fortune and unconditional love.
Have you ever found yourself in a 6am exercise class called Hot Cardio Pilates Explosion and wondered………. what on earth have we done? I paid to attend such a class this morning because I’m trying to cement a better sleep routine (yet again). One of my parents’ neighbours has discovered that I don’t have a ‘real job’ and I suspect he also doesn’t have one, because he often waits in the street to talk to me about surfing. It’s actually very sweet. I don’t have a ‘real job’ but I do have lots of little ones that I clock into at all hours; sometimes I think the real job is trying to feel like one coherent person.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we know too many things. I can’t stop eating those ‘healthy’ lollies the supermarkets really want you to buy, and I can only assume it’s a metaphor for all the junk I sneak into my brain under the guise of Learning. It’s crazy to me that I feel like this and I don’t even have the ‘Tok! I fear I would unravel entirely if I stored that application on my phone (I have, however, embedded a TikTok below, I contain multitudes). What I really need to learn is how to re-cane a chair — I found a broken Cesca chair on the side of the road three months ago and haven’t touched it since. I replaced the battery in my car key the other week and it honestly felt like carving an entire city out of marble.
I talk a big game when it comes to misandry but actually my man partner is the most beautiful person to ever exist. He’s leaving for America soon, which is something we planned to do together but life did not allow for it. I’ll join him at some point, and then I’ll tell you about the spam email I received from my immigration lawyer that made me laugh and then almost cry. I will tell you about the paralegal who replies to my messages with a kind of ‘go fuck yourself’ vibe which is bold, refreshing, not like the other girls. Do you think that I could become a little bit American? Does Big Pharma have a solution for that? I will investigate and report back. Perhaps with a ‘go fuck yourself’ kind of vibe. Please don’t remind me about the election I have already listened to so many episodes of Today Explained.
I would like to discuss two further topics with you before I jet off for another month of wondering what I will write about next time:
Jake Gyllenhaal and his slutty little bracelet.
I recently watched the Apple TV+ remake of Presumed Innocent, and I had some thoughts.
Over the course of watching Presumed Innocent I found myself in a state of deep inner turmoil. This television series caused me to conduct some serious spiritual work pertaining to the fact that I cannot decide if I find Jake Gyllenhaal insufferable or deeply horny. Sorry, that’s not right — my inner turmoil came from the fact that I know I find Jake Gyllenhaal to be both insufferable and deeply horny. It’s a lizard brain thing. Obviously, I’ve never met the man, but I’d just like to remind you all about feminism (my right to make grand sweeping statements about men I have never met).
Rusty Sabich is a homicide prosecutor in Chicago. He lives in the suburbs with his wife and two teenage children. He’s a workaholic who was recently embroiled in an all-consuming affair with his colleague Carolyn, a woman who has since been brutally murdered. This is a busy man. Some would say too busy. And yet? This man is also… completely jacked. Now, there is a practical reason for this — during filming Jake Gyllenhaal was also needed for pickups on Road House, a film in which he plays a former UFC fighter — but turning a blind eye makes the experience of watching Presumed Innocent really funny. To put it plainly, the man looks absolutely ridiculous. And yet? Also horny.
About halfway through the series I became completely fixated on one key aspect of Rusty’s wardrobe: his gold bracelet. See below.
During my period of deep inner work I realised that the reason I couldn’t stop staring at/philosophising about the bracelet was because I didn’t believe it came from the costume designer. I just couldn’t imagine them sourcing this particular bracelet for this character. Which led me to this (incredibly flimsy) hypothesis: I think Jake Gyllenhaal sourced the bracelet himself. I think he came to set one day and said, ‘Listen, we need a Connell’s Chain moment here.’ And that? Is insufferable. But also horny. Long live the slutty little bracelet.
Andrew Huberman, my psychologist, and me.
In order for this story to land I must let you know that Andrew Huberman is a man who lives to optimise the human experience. I believe him to be a gateway drug to Joe Rogan, although I can’t quite articulate why. It might just be that I’m sceptical of all men with podcasts.
Last week I went to visit my psychologist. When my psychologist, who I will call Bert, came to find me in the waiting room, I was retina-deep in my phone, watching the live-stream from a surf cam in Bali. Winter is really doing things to my brain. I didn’t hear him call my name at first, and when he said it a second time I jumped to attention and mumbled something along the lines of, ‘Oh god, the phones, am I right?’
We had a little back and forth about the phones, and as we entered the treatment room, he said, ‘Have you looked into any of the research Andrew Huberman is doing?’
Without thinking, I replied, ‘Yeah, hah, the research into having five girlfriends?’
Bert’s face dropped as he crossed his arms at his chest. ‘That was a hatchet job,’ he said. ‘I mean, seriously? Who CARES?!’
Unfortunately, what I discovered that day was that Bert cared. I don’t know how to tell him that Andrew Huberman is a large part of my sense of humour. I have listened to one episode of The Huberman Lab and one episode only. A sandwich with the girlies has the same positive health benefits as an ice bath.
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That’s all for this month! If you enjoyed this collage of thoughts and feelings please feel free to share with a friend. If you didn’t…. Don’t do that.
I love ya!
❤️
stories of note
FANTASMAS - You must watch Fantasmas. If you live in Australia you can watch it on Binge. If you live elsewhere you can watch it… elsewhere. Julio Torres has written and directed a weird and wondrous journey into what it means to exist and it is so so so funny. Part-sketch, part narrative quest, Fantasmas is stuffed full of familiar faces. I am now completely obsessed with Martine, who plays Vanesja — a performance artist who can’t stop impersonating an acting agent, so much so that she actually has become an acting agent. Special mention also to the social media strategist Pirulinpipina.
My Brother’s Ashes are in a Sandwich Bag by Michelle Brasier - Michelle is my dear friend and her memoir comes out next month. I’ve read it, and it’s perfect. If you are a fan of Jenny Slate or Dolly Alderton you will love it. If you are not a fan of those women you will love it. Michelle is a spectacular storyteller and I can’t wait for everyone to get their eyeballs on it.
Starstruck (Original Score) - The original score to Rose Matafeo’s Starstruck! It rules! The best music for working/writing/feeling whimsical and creative.
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