tall tales ~ issue 33

hasta luego, los angeles <3

sound the alarm, I’m coming home

Hi, hello, and welcome to April! It’s been a long time between drinks. I’m entering the promotional phase of publishing a novel and I won’t lie to you, having a book on Goodreads feels a bit like this:

@neonratedToday feels like…#margotrobbie #itonya #itonyamovie

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I’ve been in Los Angeles for six months now, and on Saturday I’m coming home. Here are some facts I’ve learnt since arriving: The 101 is the Hollywood freeway, the 5 is the Golden State freeway, and California has one of the highest rates of fatal car accidents in the United States. When I’m driving on those freeways I can think of nothing else. A few months ago I got pulled over at a booze bus and the woman didn’t even breathalyse me—her main concern was getting me to recite the expiry date of my driver’s license which is…… actually none of my business?

Speaking of, I got my California driver’s license on Tuesday. I was so nervous my cheeks turned the colour of a sunburnt butt. But, within two minutes of beginning the test, the assessor started recommending restaurants to me. By the time we returned to the DMV, he’d given me an entire three-day itinerary for the San Diego region. I had to ask him if I’d passed. He just laughed and handed me the completed assessment form.

I saw a meme the other day that said ‘every day I wake up and there is something wrong with America’ and yes, it is true. How to even broach the subject without jeopardising my visa? The results are inconclusive. Although I do not like America, I love LA (most of the time). We caught up with some friends who’d just returned from Australia a few weeks ago, and in the middle of dinner one of them cried, ‘But WHY is it so DIRTY here?’ It’s a great question. The results are inconclusive (probably Elon Musk).

But, despite the fact that it’s bafflingly dirty, and the public transport is non-existent, and I have seen so many more bare butts in my travels here than anywhere else, it’s also a place where you can order a half-caf iced oat cortado and no one bats an eyelid. More than that, it’s a place where you can sit next to Lorde at a restaurant and try your best to be normal about it. But the best thing about Los Angeles, in my opinion, is its entrepreneurial spirit: Angelenos will take a laptop to the most rancid establishment and work happily until an employee kicks them out. Also, the weather is incredible, and I’m not above talking about it.

We live in the apartment above an elderly Ecuadorian woman’s house, and I tell people it’s ‘just around the corner from the scary 7-Eleven’. The scary 7-Eleven plays classical music at full volume at all hours to deter homeless people from sleeping out the front of the store, which gives it a very menacing aura. It’s menacing because that is a really awful thing to do to people who just want to go to sleep. The other day, my partner said, ‘RIP Mahler, you would have absolutely hated your work in this context.’

Our life here is not glamorous, but it is pretty nice. I avoid driving as much as possible, which is easy given we live in a neighbourhood that is 86% walkable according to Zillow. I walk to my coworking space, I walk to the grocery and ‘vitamin’ store, I walk to the bank to get cash to pay my elderly landlord, I walk to the best ice cream shop in the whole world, I walk to the reservoir in order to walk around it. I drive to the American Multi-Cinema at the Americana at Brand, because I am an AMC Stubs A-List member. I drive to go surfing. Sometimes I drive to West Hollywood but no more than once a fortnight.

I was nervous about how I’d go making friends in a new country. I’m happy to report that six months later, I have made four American friends and one British friend. I have also spent a lot of time with a lot of Australians. It’s very easy to make friends with Australians here for two reasons:

1. If you’ve gone to the trouble of moving here, you’re probably passionate about something you couldn’t do at home, and that’s a very easy conversation starter

2. No one can understand what the fuck we are saying 90% of the time (I tried to explain what an Echidna was to a woman who was giving me a brazilian wax, and she said, ‘I don’t understand the sounds you’re making’)

I was sheltered from the scariest parts of moving overseas because I came here with my best girlfriend (my boyfriend). His name is Hamish but we call him Ham, which many Americans find confusing (particularly when I don’t explain it to them). The scary 7-Eleven would be much scarier without him. And yeah, I guess what I’m saying is that home is not just a place, but a feeling. Sue me!!!!!!!!!

I’ll be in Australia from the 7th of April until the 17th of June, to promote my novel RYTUAL which you can still pre-order >>>>>> HERE <<<<<< !

I’m doing some events at Melbourne and Sydney Writers’ Festivals, which I will link below. Please come! I’m excited and scared.

MELBOURNE WRITERS FESTIVAL

Culture Club Podcast: Live with moi!!

9th May @ 8pm

The Wheeler Centre

Tickets available here.

SYDNEY WRITERS FESTIVAL

Pen Pals

Finding your people and building a writing community, with Virginia Gay and Michelle Brasier

24th May @ 2pm

Carriageworks, Bay 19

Tickets available here.

The Business of Beauty

What could women be without the expectation of beauty? With Yumi Stynes, Rebecca Reynolds and Lucinda FROOMES Price (!!)

25th May @ 4:30pm

Carriageworks, Track 8

Tickets available here.

If you’re in Melbourne or Sydney and you have a podcast or newsletter or new media company, reply to this email! I’d love to talk to you about Rytual, the beauty industry, and women being a bit feral.

That’s all for now. Thank you for being here. Ilysm.

stories of note

• Whoever You Are, Honey by Olivia Gatwood. I inhaled this book over two afternoons. It’s soulful, seductive and a bit creepy, and it got me out of my reading slump.

• Who’s Afraid of Carrie Bradshaw? - I’ve recommended Broey Deschanel vids on here before, but I just think she’s the best. This video deconstructs our fascination with hating Carrie Bradshaw, and how/why her character descended into an alleged ‘pick-me’ girl over the course of SATC’s run.

• Sharon Horgan on the Louis Theroux Podcast - Ever since Sharon Horgan (accidentally?) liked an Instagram story reply I sent her, I’ve become determined to make her my mentor. She does not know that I exist. This conversation is a great listen.